A Year Has Come a Gone

Most people would track their year based on the calendar year, and most years I do. But not this year. For some reason I've tracked it from the moment I miscarried last year November 15. I can't explain it but for some reason I thought if I could just make it to the same point the following year I would be okay. Mind you I knew I'd be "okay", it was just a mental hurtle for me. I had big hopes for 2010 when January rolled around, but then it was just one punch after the other. I 'm going somewhere with all of this and I hope not to depress you in the process;)

The night that I miscarried last year started me on a journey that would forever change me and my perceptions of God. My second pregnancy started off kind of rocky with various symptoms that didn't look promising, but we pressed on with prayer. At 8 weeks I started bleeding and having contractions and for some reason unknown to me that baby hung on. We went and had an ultrasound and everything appeared fine. Again we praised Jesus for the miracle. Unfortunately, exactly two weeks later while I was visiting my mom with Isaac I miscarried around midnight. The miscarriage itself was a shock, I had no idea it would get worse. Shortly after, the bleeding was supposed to let up, but it didn't. I ended up on my mother's bathroom floor feeling like I was going to pass out and told her to call the ambulance. The medics got there and shortly after I was being hauled off to the hospital in Morehead City.

Once we arrived they started sticking me with needles to get an IV going. My mom was in the room with me and shortly after Blake showed up around 1:30am (He had to drive from Greenville). The rest of that night is somewhat of a blur. I remember people rushing in an out of the room and being poked and prodded constantly. It was the scariest moment of my life. I literally felt like I was floating, somewhere between life and death. I kept asking the nurses if I was going to live. At one point I remember looking up at Blake and wondering if he would have to raise Isaac on his own. I wish I could say that I had more faith in that moment, but the truth is I didn't. Blake took my hand and he said "Michelle, repeat after me. 'I will live and not die, and declare the works of the Lord.' And so I did, over and over until the point the Doctor in the room told me I was going to need to calm down. :)

So, after an emergency D & C I had 2 blood transfusions and stayed in the hospital the whole next day. My mom and Blake stayed with me the whole time. Meanwhile, my stepdad, the amazing man he is took care of Isaac the whole time. And to top it off our best friends, Kasey and Lee happened to be in town and were able to come to the hospital to visit me. We had already lost one life that night, and God was with us, He spared mine.

I share this story not because I want you to feel sorry for me but because God deserves all the glory. He has done a great work in my life since that moment. After that moment when I would cry out to Jesus, I could feel Him like never before. This has been the hardest year of my life with our various trials, but God's presence has never been more tangible in my life. He has shown me my fears, doubts and misconceptions that I had about Him along the way. Sure, I had a lot of questions about the whole ordeal, who wouldn't? God doesn't mind our questions. And though I didn't find all the answers I wanted, I did find out who Jesus REALLY was in the process.

He is someone I can believe. Someone I can count on. He will never leave me. He will always work things together for good. It was a hard lesson to learn but I'm glad He showed me about my fear of death. I want to be in control and mostly I don't want to be in pain. But those aren't my decisions to make. This past summer I did a Bible study on the Life of Paul, and it has done wonders on my perspective of life. That man endured so much for the sake of the Gospel, and he knew Jesus intimately.

I know this is long and I need to wrap it up. I could write a book on all that Jesus has done in my life this year. So many stories of His faithfulness. So, I will just leave you with one.

A year has come and gone, and this time we are 15 weeks pregnant and having a much healthier pregnancy. Three days before we found out we were pregnant I asked God for a word to stand on. This is what He gave me:

Jeremiah 17:7-8 "Blessed is the woman who trusts in the Lord and whose trust is the Lord.

For she will be like a tree planted by the water, that extends its roots by a stream.

And will not fear when the heat comes; But its leaves will be green, and it will not be anxious in a year of drought, nor cease to yield fruit."

I took some liberties with the "she's" and "woman", but that was so that I could make it even more my word to stand on. It was just what I needed. Trust in the Lord. Just like the scripture says the heat did come. The first trimester was a constant battle in my mind. Even so much so, when I was 10 weeks, at our college retreat on the same day Blake and I had the same vision from the devil of me miscarrying. It was the craziest thing. The devil is not creative and we immediately recognized it for what it was. We prayed and the fear left. And though this last year has seemed like a drought in the natural, He was right, I am producing fruit and he or she will be here in May.